Reserve Soldiers Eager to Fight the War on Christmas

Thousands of National Guard and Army Reserve troops are frustrated that they will not be able to deploy in support of operations associated with the "War on Christmas," according to military officials.

The National Guard Bureau and the United States Army Reserve Command have both been inundated by questions about upcoming deployments. 

Many reservists (which include Guardsmen) relied on lucrative deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan for their livelihood. With deployments to Afghanistan slowing to a trickle and a large mobilization to Iraq unlikely, these soldiers are facing the prospect of real jobs in the civilian sector. 

"We have systems in place for individual Guard members to volunteer for overseas and stateside Title 10 deployments," said Lt. Col. Tiara Coley. "But we've been swamped with calls and online requests for information about deployments in the War on Christmas," she said.

Title 10 refers to the section of the U.S. Code that puts reservists in active-duty status. 

Coley said she is "a little confused" about why Guard members think they can serve in the war.

Sgt. Travis Winston, a combat engineer with the Colorado Army National Guard, said he was disappointed to learn the "War on Christmas" wasn't a real war.

"My first sergeant told me to check it out, but when I started making calls, I was told that the war was metaphorical. Must be some new type of warfare that doesn't require boots on ground," Winston said.

Winston was hoping for a deployment, mostly for the money.

"With seven years in, I could stash away like $5000 a month," he said. But if they don't let me go, I guess I'll just get a seasonal position at Costco. "Plus I really like Christmas, and I don't think we should let the terrorists take it away."

Winston is not alone. Operations officers at the National Guard Bureau say that in the past three weeks they have received over 6,000 requests for information about how to sign on for the War on Christmas. At the Reserve Command, officials didn't give a precise number, but confirmed "an unusual interest" in an operation that doesn't even exist.

"We haven't received any mobilization orders from FORSCOM (U.S. Army Forces Command) for such an operation," Coley said. "I think these soldiers are watching too much Fox News."

But Coley didn't entirely rule out a future mobilization. "If the chiefs or the president issue the order, we'll be ready," Coley said. "If there is a war that America can get behind, our soldiers will be ready to fight it."

POTUS Censured for Violating OpSec

WASHINGTON, November 21, 2014— The commander in chief of the U.S. Armed Forces was informally reprimanded today for giving away details about troop movements.

On his personal Facebook page (different from the White House page) the president posted the following status update early this morning:

The status read, "By the end of the year, U.S. strength will be reduced to 9800 personnel. This represents the readiness of Afghanistan's native forces to take the lead on their own security." It included the hashtag "Forward."

Shortly after the status update was posted, Army Maj. Theodore Breen confronted the president.

"It was a bit difficult to get through his physical security detail," Breen said. "But it was important to point out that seemingly innocent tweets and Facebook updates can give the enemy valuable information."

"I mean, we might as ell annouce to the world that we're sending home a bunch of troops next month," he added.

It was, according to the Army, a classic violation operational security, or "OpSec," as Soldiers refer to it.

The post remains on Obama's Facebook page. It currently has over 10,000 likes and more than 500 shares.

Obama is the first sitting president to have been reprimanded for an OpSec violation. Though, since there is not formal mechanism to reprimand a civilian who is not a Department of Defense employee, Breen has characterized his action as an "informal reprimand."

It is unclear whether Breen was able to personally deliver the censure. The White House has not made a comment.

Breen is an assistant program manger at the Defense Department's Safety and Security Office. He made the metro ride to the White House to confront the president shortly after he saw the Facebook post.

"They wouldn't let me see him. They were kind of rude actually," Breen said, referring to the Secret Service detail on duty at the White House. "They were like, who are you?"

Breen has been a fan of Obama on Facebook since 2011.

"I told them to tell the president that if any of my Soldiers posted about specific numbers and dates of movement, they'd be in a big hot mess," added Breen. "I don't think this Obama guy should be above sound military protocol, even if he is the commander-in-chief."

Breen then left a sticky note with the phrase, "Think Like the Wolf" printed on it. It is campaign the Safety and Security Office developed to remind service members and department civilians to always remember OpSec.

According to a Department of Defense website, "Nearly 90% of the information collected comes from "Open Sources,'" such as the president Facebook page. Obama has over 44 million fans on Facebook.

Breen hopes his superiors will remember his "act of courage" when it comes time to write his Officer Evaluation Report. 

Postal Service Protests Afghanistan Withdrawal Plans

WASHINGTON, May 29, 2014— In an unprecedented foray into foreign policy, the United States Postmaster General has sent a letter to President Obama and Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel urging them to maintain a force of at least 32,000 in Afghanistan beyond 2014.

Postal officials fear that bringing significant number of troops home will be bad for the bottom line.

The letter, obtained by My Public Affairs from a source in the Postmaster General's office, refers to "calamitous second- and third-order effects" from a precipitous draw down of US troops. The Postal Service says that revenue from care packages accounts for a sizeable portion of their operating budget.

If forces draw down as much as the president has suggested-- to just under 10,000 in his recent speech to service members at Bagram Airfield-- then that revenue could plummet.

Officials in the Postal Service didn't specify how much money that would cost them, but the watchdog group PostCheck says it is in the tens of millions. The service lost $1.9 million in the first quarter of this year, according to Bloomberg. If the agency loses its profitable Afghanistan War care package market, it could hemmorhage money and not be able to recover.

After US forces left Iraq in 2011, the Postal Service began a revenue decline from which it is still recovering.

The Postmaster General has also urged members of the postal workers union to write their representatives in Congress, as well as to call the White House.

"The Post Office has always been a friend to our Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines, the letter read."And in these extraordinary times of budget austerity, we simply can not afford to lose the valuable business that their friends and family members give us to send chips, cookies, and toiletries."

One Soldier, who declined to give is name but offered his picture, said that while he appreciates getting care packages, he'd rather be home where he could just go buy that stuff himself at Target.

Sources close to the Soldier said that he really shops at Wal Mart but doesn't like to admit it.

"Don't get me wrong, it's nice to get packets of toothpaste and bodywash. But really, how much chap stick does a guy need?"

The Soldier didn't comment on whether units should be forced to stay in order to maintian current levels of postal services.

Another service member, an Airman stationed at Bagram Airfield, suggested sending packages to random Afghans as a way to offset the decline of mail to US troops.

E5 promoted two ranks for psychological disorder

FORT BRAGG, North Carolina, March 29, 2014—The Army promoted Sergeant Justin Richmond to Sgt. 1^st Class on Wednesday after military doctors diagnosed him with a severe case of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Eric Swenson, Richmond’s battalion sergeant major, said that Sgt. 1^st Class Richmond’s attention to detail was a key part of the decision.

“As we draw down from two major wars, we need NCOs who can begin to focus more on uniform appearance,” Swenson said. “Combat is all well and good, but a properly garrisoned Army must be neat and tidy.”

“We have confidence that Sgt. 1^st Class Richmond’s condition will give him the ability to spot uniform wear violations quickly. It’s really the most OCD soldier I’ve seen in a long time. He’ll be an outstanding senior NCO.”

“I’m stunned. I never thought of myself as a senior leader,” remarked the newly minted E7 as he adjusted his chest rank for the 11^th time. “But then again, I don't consider myself mentally ill. I just can’t ignore egregious deviations from standards.”

Richmond corrected his commander’s uniform no less than four times during the promotion ceremony. Swenson said that with that kind of moxy, he thinks Richmond could be on the fast track to sergeant major.

“He’s got 19 patrol caps, for God’s sake,” the sergeant major said.

Richmond says he just hasn't found one that has a front seam exactly in the middle.

Promotions based entirely on medical conditions are extremely rare, and Richmond’s promotion was the first since World War II that an enlisted soldier moved up two grades.

The doctor who examined and diagnosed Richmond would not comment on his case precisely, but indicated that a theoretical case of OCD that was excessive would probably give a patient extreme sensitivity to regulation violations.

“We just need to marry up his compulsivity to the exact regulations in AR 670-1,” said Master Sgt. Gail Brice. “That’s really all there is to excelling as an E8 in this Army nowadays.”

"There is a fine line between mental instability and the kind of vigilance over a soldier's presentation we need in the Army," added Brice.

Others aren’t convinced. First Lt. Joseph Samudio thinks there is more to leadership than merely pointing out variations from appearance standards.

“What about combat tasks? Decisions making? Judgment? There are 100 things more important than uniform wear,” said Samudio.

Staff Sgt. David Swittingham, Richmond’s former squad leader, echoed those sentiments, saying that he wanted a leader who understood the individual needs of his soldiers, and could customize training to meet the needs of the soldier and the needs of the Army.

Richmond promptly ordered Swittingham to do push ups.

(Photo altered, original  by SSG Michael Zuk)